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January 2016 Newsletter
A Couple’s Journey
The Secret to Winning Her Back
Dec 30, 2015
Here’s the story of Tom and Pamela. They met;fell in love, and everything seemed so right. To him that is. For her it was far from right. Then one day, out of the blue, she tells you she’s “had enough” and is gone, or worse still, she asks you to pack your bags and […]
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How to Get Through Christmas Day
Dec 23, 2015
Stressful events, like Christmas, are always a great test for relationships. Most often however these events seem to just bring out the worst in people as they attempt to manage all that there is to do to bring families together. The wish is always that these times are remembered for the good things and not […]
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How to Decide With Whom to Spend Your Life?
Dec 16, 2015
One of the most difficult things in life is to make a choice when both options seem to be equally superior. No matter what we need to make a choice on, after selecting one we can still inevitably question our decision and sometimes come to believe that we might have made the wrong one. This […]
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What Is Most Important – Sex, Love, or Communication?
Dec 09, 2015
You might have read hundreds of articles that say that communication is very important for a relationship to grow. You might have heard millions of people saying that a relationship can’t exist without love. And some people understand sex as the most essential ingredient of a healthy marriage. Actually, love sex and communication are all […]
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Love, Lies and Games
Am I OK? Are You OK?
December 23, 2015
What does it really mean to be “OK”? Is there a formula that we need to follow to in order to be okay? When are we okay? Is it when we feel loved and respected, or when we feel someone needs us and that make us feel important? Is happiness something to fight for or it is something that comes to us when we’re done the battle with ourselves?
To sum it up – each of us is either predominantly OK with life and how it’s progressing, or not. I think you might be able to guess which is better. Victors live out a very clear “I’m OK and you’re OK” life script, while both Visitors and Victims live out a predominantly “I’m not OK, you’re not OK” life script.
Let’s look at this from the perspective of the Survivor’s Triangle.
The Aggressor
Aggressors are the bullies of…
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How Survivors Play Out Their Life Games on the Game Triangle
December 17, 2015
All Psychological Games get played from one of three positions. These can be seen in action on the Survivor’s Triangle.
I call it the “Survivor’s Triangle,” because, while games are destructive, you play them in response to whatever you were taught, or decided, as a child. It was the way you learned to survive in your family and in society.
As well when you are a child you ‘by default’ need to be taken care of, to be helped and pampered because you are a tiny and weak creature. You simply need to survive as a child biologically and later on emotionally so you naturally do whatever you need to ensure that happens.
Survival or Imprisonment?
Each of the triangle’s corners represents one of the three stances that someone might take in a game…
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Relationship Remedy
Will I Be Able To Love Again?
December 30, 2015
This is the question that comes up for us when we have lost love. This might be as a consequence of our partner saying they no longer wish to be with us or if they have betrayed us in some way such as in having an affair.;It’s nothing short of absolutely miserable when you are deceived by the one you put all your love in, all your faith and trust in.;So the real question here might be: Do you think that people can love again after they have been left or betrayed? The answer is absolutely yes !;Firstly that one person who betrayed you was not the last human being on earth. There are plenty more. And there are those who are worthy of your love and who will truly love you in return. And sometimes you just have to make a decision to move on…
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Why Do We Lie?
December 23, 2015
There’s a joke told about politicians that goes like this: “How do you know when a politician is lying?” The answer: “When his lips are moving!”;The truth is we all tell lies!;The more modest ones are called “white lies”, they are generally harmless and don’t upset people too greatly if discovered. Such lies tend to be said to save someone’s feelings, like when we compliment someone about how they look, or to save our own, such as when we make up reasons for my not being able to do something when we really don’t want to do it anyway.;Lies can be by what is said as well as by what is not said.;Men and women tell different kinds of lies. Men most often tell lies to protect themselves. They may lie to you about the way you look, they may say that you look good no matter what you wear. They just do not want to break your heart, they want you to be happy. Such lies are very sweet, in fact, if your man tells you such lies, then you should be very happy…
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When the Fighting Becomes Too Much
December 16, 2015
I received this very sad letter not so long ago so am making it the focus of this blog article.
“Why is it that I and my girlfriend quarrel/argue every week for she says she doesn’t trust me and tells me every time that she doesn’t want to marry me?
I love her so much and want her be my wife. I have thought of things that she thinks that creates the argument, but when i start to work on those things it works a little while but fails and never lasts.
I am standing on two conflicting ideas. Marry her or start over another relationship.
What she says when she gets angry out of nothing gets me crazy. Even now, we are not giving phone calls to each other.
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When She/He Just Like To Complain
December 09, 2015
It seems like some people just like to complain. No matter what you do, you cannot make them happy. From trivial mistakes to great blunders, they do not let go of a single opportunity to tell you that you’ve done something wrong.
These types of behaviour are really just displays of low self-esteem. These may even be the victims of the world trying just trying to help themselves feel better.
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What If He Hasn’t Said “I Love You!”?
December 02, 2015
The phrase “I love you!” is a very important one for couples to hear from each other and especially so when the relationship is moving from a casual acquaintance to a more permanent one. It is like the official announcement that he, or she, really is in love with you and through these words is making a commitment for a long-term relationship.
But sometimes, and maybe particularly men, can take a long time to say “I love you!”. This can be for a variety of reasons
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December 2015 Newsletter
A Couple’s Journey
The Secret of a Good Marriage
Nov 25, 2015 11:01 am
A good marriage is the ultimate dream of every person in relationship. From the moment the decision to marry has been made right through the preparation of the wedding ceremony; the couple can’t help but to create their own fantasy about a good marriage. Unfortunately, for some it only ever is a fantasy. The reality […]
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Love versus Infatuation
Nov 18, 2015 11:02 am
When we first meet someone we can sometimes confuse a very strong feeling of attraction towards them, one that we might think is love, for what is actually infatuation. We might then notice our attraction towards that person decreasing and we realize that if we act on this feeling too quickly we may have made […]
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I Am Not In Love – Can I Still Be Happy In a Relationship?
Nov 11, 2015 11:16 am
I think this question needs some qualifiers first about love and what is love as well as about relationship and what is relationship. In this context I will use love to mean any deep and meaningful caring of one person toward another. So I can truly love my partner but I can also equally love […]
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What Is God’s Will for Me?
Nov 04, 2015 11:06 am
From my reader: Thank you for this opportunity. I hope your site can help to educate many in the area of marriage, so that we can have a community of very happy people-to the glory of God. The following are the common burning questions: – For believers, they want to know if the person […]
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Relationship Remedy
Jealousy – the Green-eyed Monster
Nov 25, 2015 12:08 am
Sometimes couples come into me with an issue around jealousy, otherwise known as the “Green-eyed Monster”. When you feel jealous of someone, the slightest gesture of deception seems to be the greatest betrayal of the world. You cannot see them talking and socializing with anyone, you just want them to pay attention to you and […]
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How to Find Unconditional Love in Your Relationships?
Nov 18, 2015 12:00 am
I’ve already addressed in another article what is unconditional love but let’s review. Put simply, and as the words would imply, unconditional love is love that is given without the expectation of anything in return. Conditional love, on the other hand, is the love that is given in response to love received and generally has […]
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Does Unconditional Love Exist?
Nov 11, 2015 12:06 am
There’s a saying I’ve heard, and possibly even said myself, which suggests that the only love that is unconditional is the love of a mother for her newborn baby. The adage goes on to say that maybe this only lasts twenty-four hours or until your first sleepless night. To answer this question let’s firstly look […]
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Is Marriage Going Out Of Style?
Nov 04, 2015 12:06 am
You may already know that I have four children, all adults, who are starting to look at entering into long term relationships now that their childhood has passed them by […]
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Love Lies & Games
Common Reasons for the Games People Play
Nov 25, 2015 11:02 am
In the previous article I talked about a very delicate and manipulative game we grown-ups play sometimes. The game is ‘Why Don’t You…?’ and ‘Yes, but…’ Some people have played so much; they don’t even realize that they are playing it. Why though? Common reasons for the games people play In the previous article I […]
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An Example of the Games People Play
Nov 20, 2015 01:50 am
Grown-ups mind games: ‘Why don’t you..?’ and ‘Yes, but…’ When we were children, we all used to play games, most of them funny and harmless. The older we got the more intensive the games became. And because a child’s mind is so easily shaped the games he observes, and is often a party to, during […]
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The Purpose of the Games People Play
Nov 11, 2015 10:35 am
People often ask me – why are relationships so complicated? The short answer is – because there are two in the game. The games people play are a complicated mix of roles that are lived out unconsciously and driven by the equally unconscious need to stand by them on a daily basis. In short these […]
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The Games People Play
Nov 05, 2015 12:53 am
One thing is certain – human relationships are a complicated maze that has no entry or exit signs. It’s as if we start a relationship with our eyes closed, groping our way to the entrance of the maze but without a clear vision. We have no map or knowledge of how long it will take […]
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November 2015 Newsletter
A Couple’s Journey
How Come the Sex Is Great but We Don’t Know How to Talk to Each Other?
Oct 28, 2015
Good Sex and good communication are possibly two of the most critical components in determining whether a marriage or a relationship is a happy one. And maybe, along with love, is what makes a relationship strong enough to make the distance. If your relationship lacks any of these three components, you definitely need to do […]
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Relationships When There Is a Disability
Oct 21, 2015
An email I received through the last week was from someone who was asking about entering into a relationship with a person disabled, in this case, by childhood polio. There are many relationships the world over where one or both parties to the couple have a disability of some sort. This could be physical, such […]
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Get Him Back in Three Simple Steps
Oct 16, 2015
Friends and the Media are full of ideas about how to get your boyfriend back after he has dumped you. Here is a sample of some of the things that I have heard and read: “Getting your ex back is not difficult. You just have to be a bit subtle and think from the point […]
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What Happened To The Magic In Your Relationship?
Oct 12, 2015
Click on the flyer to see it in full size. If you would like to attend the seminar please ring 02 99978518 or email admin@northernbeachescounselling.com.au with the words: “Yes I would like to attend the seminar”. Some excerpts from my workshops.
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Equality in the Relationship
Oct 10, 2015
Can There Really Be Equality in the Relationship? Before I can answer this question I think I need to define the terms ‘equality’ and ‘relationship’. The term relationship, by its very nature, implies a connection between two individuals with a shared benefit for both parties. While this might imply equality it may or may not actually […]
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Relationship Remedy
I’m Pregnant and I Don’t Feel I Love Him Anymore
October 28, 2015
There’s another question that goes often comes with this one and that is about the satisfaction many women feel in having given birth. It’s like the child now fulfills all her love and sexual needs some even saying that the very act of holding a child in their arms and/or breast-feeding the child gives them immense sexual pleasure so much so that some women even report the experience of an orgasm every time they feed their child…
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Are You Addicted To Love?
October 21, 2015
Marriage is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life and maybe only second to becoming a parent. Consequently it is crucial that it is a decision made with considerable thought and care to ensure that, as much as possible, it will create a lasting relationship. Having said that I have never come across anyone who made a decision to marry with the intent of divorcing and yet, as we know, more than 40% of first marriages do end in divorce and the statistics are even higher for second and subsequent marriages – 60%++…
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He says he wants me but will not commit
October 17, 2015
To know in your mind, and feel in your heart, that you are in a committed relationship and that whatever happens, your partner will still be there for you, brings a sense of security to those in the relationship that love alone cannot provide. One thing I often ask a couple when beginning work with them is whether they are committed to each other as well as to the relationship. The answer to this question is even more important than the answer to the question – “Do you love your partner?” as the two may actually not be mutually inclusive…
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Indicators That Your Relationship Is In Deep Trouble
October 11, 2015
Why Do My Parents Hate Each Other So Much? I was speaking to a young boy this week, let’s call him Mat (not his real name), who asked me a question about his divorcing parents – “Why do my parents hate each other so much?” I found myself searching for an answer and finally said: “I don’t believe your parents really ‘hate’ each other but maybe are just so angry with each other, and with the situation they are in, that it looks like they really hate each other…
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Love, Lies and Games
Effective Communication in Action
October 18, 2015
When you look at the solution to a problem from a different perspective then everything gets easier. Child’s play really. If you imagine two adults who are playing tic-tac-toe and are competing for the win you are going to see the big picture as if from a bird’s eye view. Let’s accept for a moment that the game is a dispute. I put an “x”, my partner puts an “o” and we continue like this one after another. The tension is getting stronger. Who is going to win? At some point my partner puts his “o” and draws a smile. I smile back, I accept the dispute from its amusing angle and I understand that my partner’s intentions towards me are positive. I quickly grasp the wink. A game or a dispute, call it whatever you want…
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Relationship Rules for Effective Communication (Part 2)
October 11, 2015
Body language, power of words, facial expression, position of the hands, waving of the hair – what do all of these mean to you when transferred into everyday communication? Is the reading of every gesture part of effective communication between people? Is it non-verbal language? I am asking myself, isn’t this the key to Relationship Rules for Effective Communication?;Of course, my experience as well as all of the big books written on this topic prove that each gesture or movement of our bodies expresses our inner condition in a moment of conversation, in a moment of a dispute, or even in a moment when we say “I love you” to our partner. In order to be a good converser and listener at the same time you need to acquire a few simple skills and mostly you have to learn to read the code o…
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